When we first learned that Cole was deaf, we were assigned a behavior therapist for the deaf. Many deaf children with hearing parents have behavioral issues due to the lack of or missing language/communication. I’ll never forget Steve! He was a hearing man that became passionate about the deaf culture when he was just a child after meeting an older deaf couple at church. Steve would visit our home one time per month and communicate via American Sign Language (ASL) with the whole family. I remember watching him thinking, I’ll never be able to sign that fast. He was very encouraging and had some good tips. Steve would tell us to ensure that we are signing even when it’s not with Cole because people, in general, learn from conversations all around them. It was important for Steve that the whole family would sign and he would ensure to include Lexi everytime he came and compliment her on learning ASL. Steve is single handily the reason I fingerspell and sign the song while driving and listening to music. One of the things he told us, I’ll never forget, is to make sure we sign at the dinner table. Cole has always sat with us (even though he’s G-Tube fed and doesn’t eat orally) we ensure to sit down as a family and eat together at the dinner table every night. As I continue to learn the deaf culture and learn as much as I can, it makes so much sense. Cole always has a seat at the table, but if people are talking and not signing he has no clue what’s going on or being said, so is he really at the table?
Over the last several months or longer I’ve been looking for someone who is deaf. I’d like to learn the deaf culture from someone who is actually deaf. I’d like my son to meet someone he can truly relate to. I looked everywhere and finally came upon someone who is deaf and teaches ASL. Two birds with one stone, tutor for Cole and deaf relatability. Lisa came over and the first thing she did was get down on her knees to Cole’s height to introduce herself. She began asking Cole if his Mom is hearing or deaf. Cole signed hearing. She then went on to asking about Cole’s Dad, is he hearing or deaf? Cole signed hearing. Lisa then asked about Lexi, Cole’s sister, is she hearing or deaf? Cole signed hearing. What about Cole, hearing or deaf? Cole signed deaf. SAME! Lisa got real excited (her body language and expression) and signed Cole we are the same… DEAF! She made it exciting, something to celebrate. Cole’s face lit up and I could’ve started bawling immediately! The connection she made was unreal and the mannerism is which she created relatability was so surreal. For the first time, at seven years old, Cole was meeting someone who was actually deaf and didn’t speak. Yes, Cole is in a deaf and hard of hearing program at school but all of the kids speak with hearing aids and are hard of hearing none are truly deaf. Cole is profound deaf and non-verbal. He immediately asked her to go play in the basement and she obliged. They played lasertag, read books, made bracelets, and he showed her the swing in the basement. The whole time they were signing like crazy and getting to know each other. At first, I thought for sure I would need a pencil and paper so Lisa and I could communicate, but I knew exactly what she was saying and only needed her to fingerspell sign the word a handful of times. She was great and included Lexi in everything. Lexi ended up making her a bracelet with her two favorite colors, purple and blue. This was Lexi’s first time meeting someone who didn’t speak and only used sign, other than her brother. She asked Lisa, “can you speak?” Lisa signed a little and then proceeded to say hi, which was not the simplest task. Lisa then explained when she gets mad she is able to speak some swear words and I laughingly explained we didn’t need any examples.
In the mist of all this play, Lisa, Mark, and I were getting to know each other and discussing Cole. Lisa kept saying things about how impressed she was with all of our family using sign to communicate with Cole. She explained, we’ve heard this a lot, that most familes (especially Fathers) don’t ever learn sign for their deaf children. Honestly, it’s so sad for me to hear things like this and makes me want to help make a difference. I can’t even imagine not learning to communicate with my child. Communication is so imperatively important for everyone. Communication brings people together. I think from my own perspective and what I do for a living. Decision-making, planning, efficiencies, motivation, collaboration, negotiation, empathy, compassion, emotional intelligence. All of this is effectively done through communication. Mark, Lexi, and I don’t even look at ASL as optional. It’s the only avenue Cole has to tell us what he wants, what he feels, and what he needs. I’m so proud of Lexi and meeting Lisa made me even more proud. She explained that she really doesn’t talk to or have a connection with her brother and he never learned sign. She was so impressed with Lexi and explained that her bond with Cole will be forever and someday when Lexi has kids, Cole will be the cool uncle. Lexi was not very receptive of this because she thinks boys are gross so she’s not having kids. At nine years old I’m completely supportive of this thought! Meanwhile, two hours flew by and we were signing like crazy and Cole and Lexi were having a blast with her. Everyone has their story, but the common theme amongst deaf people is the lack of communication since most people do not sign. It’s why being involved in the deaf community is so important for deaf people. We’ve done a lot, but that’s one area we need to get better. Now we are discussing deaf camps, deaf social meetups, introducing Cole to other deaf kids his age, etc.
We’ve learned Cole’s medical needs, collaborated with Doctors to ensure his proper care, continously advocate with schools to ensure the best education, and continue to learn ASL to ensure communication is not lacking. However, I’m continuously constructively dissatisfied. This isn’t a bad thing, I just always want to be better and do better for my family. When it comes to the deaf community, this is one thing we are lacking. Knowing the deficit is the first step and taking the proper steps to fill that void is the second. Mark and I don’t spend a lot of money on toys and other materialistic things. We’ve always believed memories, hence all the traveling, are more valuable than gifts. However, there is one gift that is invaluable… The gift of language! Cole has always had a seat at our house, since we learned he was deaf and taught him and ourselves ASL. Having a seat in your own house is not enough. Looking forward to getting more involved with the deaf community and giving Cole that undeniably critical component to success called communication.