Letter to Cole. First Mother’s Day Without My Sweet Boy.

Dear Precious Sweet Cole, This was my first Mother’s Day without you. It didn’t feel anything like Mother’s Day and Mom and Dad didn’t even buy our Moms something. It’s crazy because we went to mow the grass and the lawn mower broke in the middle of the lawn so we couldn’t finish the job. We both went out looking for a lawn mower and went to multiple stores where we saw tons of lawn mowers and we came home with nothing. Now you know how effective and efficient Mommy and Daddy are so for this to occur is not common. We ended up calling Alvaro the landscaping guy to see if he could stop by and finish the job. He, of course, came in less than one hour and had the job done. I remember sometimes you would go outside while he was trimming bushes and take the branches and put them in the garbage. You never wanted money, but always wanted to help. Or, you’re just like your Mother, don’t like messes, and simply were cleaning up after him. Nonetheless, it’s a memory I’ll never forget. I want to talk to you about your Grandmas today and I know you will love this conversation because you absolutely adored those two ladies. It is so important for you to know something about your Grandma Barb and Grandma Joy. I know for you, son all of this just felt so normal and you probably assumed every Grandmas love was just like this. It is not like this for everyone baby boy! You were blessed with the two most amazing Grandmas the world has ever seen. Everyday and every chance you had, you would video call them. It didn’t matter what time it was, what they were doing, or how busy they were… They would answer. At times, they would tell you sorry Cole we’re busy, can’t talk right now, love you, and hang up. You would immediately call them right back. I remember always thinking, just stop answering. Son, I am so thankful they answered as much as they did. I’m so thankful you had the chance to see them daily. I’m sure after you were born, they were petrified with all the medical equipment that your tiny body required to stay alive. Cole, I mentor Mother’s of medically complex children and so many are completely isolated, alone, left out, and have no one to help them. Son, we simply could not have provided to you what we did without your two very special Grandmas. They learned your medical equipment, they learned ASL, and they never allowed any scary machines to stop them. Both of them had seen many times where you required immediate resuscitation via bagging and I know this absolutely terrified them, but it never stopped them from jumping in and taking action. I trusted both of them to watch you and it allowed Mommy and Daddy some time to go out. You were always so funny because you love them so much, you couldn’t wait for Mom and Dad to leave. You trusted them to be there for you and they definitely rose to the occasion. Son, you have a gift. It’s called the gift of love and you brought so much happiness, joy, and love to everyone you met. YOU created a friendship that I didn’t even know was possible between Grandma Barb and Grandma Joy. The day Grandma Barb always looked forward to was Monday’s when she would go to Grandma Joy’s house and they would learn ASL together. That’s right son your Grandmas loved you so much and wanted to ensure they had a means to communicate with you. It was so imperatively important to them and there was nothing more frustrating to them when they didn’t understand something you were trying to tell them. The bond they/you have created is so amazing, so strong, and especially now… So important. They are both devastated about losing their special miracle Grandson. They have spent the last 5 days here nonstop. I can see you right now throwing your arms up in the air and letting them hit your thighs hard enough for everyone around you to hear your frustration. That is what you always did when you were trying to say what the heck! Really!? I’m sure you’re thinking, why didn’t they come over every second of everyday when I was there? After all, I certainly begged them to daily! It is only temporary, but they are doing it for me, your Daddy, and Lexi. They’re trying so hard to be strong for us and giving us all the support we need. I know this would make you laugh, but we are their babies and just like I spent every second of every day protecting you, they want to do the same for us. I can see it now, you are signing Mommy and Daddy are big babies and laughing so hard. They are not ok because, frankly, no one who knew you is ok after losing you. But I need you to know that you created such an incredibly special bond between your two Grandmas. It is a friendship that is so strong, so important, and so needed right now. They have each other to lean on, cry with, and they are planning on continuing to do their Monday ASL learnings. See Cole you have always done things that no one was capable of doing and it was through pure love! YOU were truly a miracle from the day your heart started to the second your heart stopped. Love you forever for always, Mommy