As I reflect on my relationship with my Mother, I realize it’s much different than most people. I recall being a teenager when all my friends hated their parents and I never felt like that with my Mom. In fact, none of my friends did either. I, specifically, remember them all loving my Mom. It was not because of me, but because of her. She is the most loving, compassionate, and selfless person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. She loves with all her heart and puts everyone else’s needs above her own. I remember growing up and watching her work ethic and being amazed at how hard working and dedicated she truly was. Being second best and putting in just enough was never her mentality. She gave it 100% and was always second to none when it came to her results. She even decided to take on three kids from my Dad’s previous marriage after marrying my Father. This came with it’s own set of challenges, but she persevered through and gave it all her heart.
In every situation, she has been my number one fan and the one person I know I could talk to about anything with no judgment. Well, maybe judgement when I came home at eighteen with a tattoo, but it was a little flame on the small of my back with the symbol family inside so she couldn’t be that upset about it. Meanwhile, as I grow older I also grow even more appreciative for what sacrifices she had made as a Mother and how she raised her children to love, be kind, and always persevere. I might be a Mother of my own now with two children, but I still need my Mother as much as I did as a child. It’s a different type of need now that I’m an adult. I certainly don’t need her for financial support, a roof over my head, or clothes on my back. I’m quite self sufficient with those things, however, someone to talk to, advice on a situation and help with my kids is what I need her most for. No matter the situation, she would drop everything and anything to help me and my family. In fact, she divorced my Father back when I was a teenager and she cares for him everyday, currently. She manages his finances, ensures he takes his medicine daily, feeds him, among many other things now that his dementia has gotten worse and he requires more support. All of this for her Ex-husband!
There is one thing about my Mother that is admirable, but also frustrating at the same time. She never wants anyone to worry so she either downplays things or simply chooses to not disclose pertinent information related to her own health. With everything going on with Cole, the last thing she wants is for me to be concerned, worry, or bothered with her health. However, she is a huge part of my life and it’s my obligation and desire to ensure that I am there for her as she’s been for me my entire life. I received a text from her (while I was working) April 12th at 4:50PM that states, I know you’re busy now so just call me when you’re free. I was on a work call and ended up finishing around 6PM. I called my Mom and of course, my kids are wanting my attention as well since I just worked all day. My Mom can hear the kids in the background and simply says it sounds like you’re busy, just call me tomorrow. I ask, what’s going on? She states it’s not a big deal and I don’t want you to worry because I am not worried at all. I ask again, Mom what’s going on? She says very nonchalantly, “I have breast cancer.” I start asking her a ton of questions, but of course she doesn’t know because she hasn’t spoken to anyone yet, she simply read her Mychart and reading the results from there. There is a saying in life, when it rains it pours. At this point, with Cole needing heart surgery and not breathing without a ventilator and oxygen and now my Mom’s diagnosis I definitely can relate to this saying.
Next steps for my Mom are to meet with a surgeon and oncologist. Of course, these meetings are at the exact same day I have appointments for Cole in Cincinnati. I manage to make myself available for the surgeon to ensure I can ask a bunch of questions. I’ve learned a lot from my Mother, but one thing we are very different on is advocacy. My Mom simply trusts that Doctors are the experts and whatever they say, must be so. She doesn’t question them nor does she pushback. We are able to ask a significant amount of questions and the prognosis, at this point, seems as good as it can considering the diagnosis. The MRI to see if the cancer has metastasized, which is a medical terminology for spread, will be our next step. If not, she has ductal carcinoma in the right breast and it seems to be in the early stages. If the MRI confirms this, she will require a lumpectomy or mastectomy (her choice), radiation, and a pill for five to ten years.
She gets to her MRI appointment and they want her to lay on her stomach with her head face down in a pillow shaped as a horseshoe. She tells them she cannot breathe and they assume she is claustrophobic, send her home, and reschedule for the following day after she’s had time to consume a sedative to relax her for the next attempt at getting the MRI. The next evening she shows up, unexpectedly, at my house later in the evening. I happened to be talking to my best friend (on the phone) and my Mom walks in and describes how she had just been pulled over going 46MPH in a 30MPH zone. The police officer asked her if she was distracted and my Mom feels compelled to tell her all about her cancer, MRI issues, and even about her grandson. Nonetheless, the officer hands her, not a ticket, but her license back and tells her to be safe and slow down because speeding could add one more thing to her plate. My entire life, I’ve joked about my Mom getting out of speeding tickets. In fact, she’s been pulled over so many times but has only actually gotten one ticket. This story is too good not to share. My Mom was going to her Mother’s house and was pulled over for speeding. The officer recieved an urgent call and needed to leave so asked my Mom to go to the police station so he could give her a ticket. Now my Mom and I are similar in a lot of ways, but we are also very different. I can promise you if an officer was too busy to give me a ticket I would never have driven to the station to receive one. However, my Mother being who she is drove to the station, waited for the officer to arrive, and was given her one and only speeding ticket in over fifty years of driving.
The following day my Mom takes her sedatives that were prescribed and she also goes to a different location for the MRI. My Mom explains to the lady that due to her anatomy it is hard for her to breathe on her stomach. The lady makes accommodations for her and my Mom successfully completes the MRI. My Mother was so happy to get this completed and able to breathe that she hugs the lady for being so kind and making accommodations. A day later I call my Mom for results of this MRI. She states, I wasn’t going to tell you because I don’t want you to worry. I take a deep breathe because if it was simply an MRI that showed nothing, there would be no reason to be concerned. My Mom explains that the MRI shows a mass in a different location on the same breast. The plan is to get an ultrasound and biopsy next Tuesday. Again, my Mom reiterates that this is not a big deal and it could be nothing so there is no reason to be concerned. It’s amazing how she can hold it all together and be so nonchalant about this when I know deep down inside, she must be totally freaking out. Her Mother, my Grandmother died of colon cancer and this whole diagnosis cannot be easy. I wish I could be for her what she is for me. For example, I can be tough as nails and talk to many people about all of Cole’s complexities. When I need someone I can just let out all the emotions with and cry uncontrollably, I call my Mom. It’s almost funny because she always feels bad and thinks she makes me cry. The truth is I feel most comfortable crying with her and it’s that needed episode to let it all out. I wish my Mom spent less time trying to protect me and more time realizing that she could let it all out, express her real concerns, fears, and anxiety and I could console her the way she has done for me so many times for so many years.
Tuesday comes and my Mom goes to her appointment for the ultrasound and they find two suspicious spots so they take them both out to get a biopsy on both. She grabs breakfast with my Dad on the way home and spends the rest of the day just relaxing. I must have made her feel guilty about not telling me things so she ensures she texts me all of this information while I’m at work. Just a quick side note about work that I know my Mother can relate to. Discussing accounts, people, and coaching gets me busy most days and this is a neccessary distraction that also helps keep things into perspective for me. As I reflect when I was a child, I recall my Mom always working. I now know that during this time she had a lot going on and I’m certain the work for her was the same. She was always great at what she did and well respected in her position. This was where she could control things, make things happen, and excel because of her work ethic. I could write an entire blog simply related to how positive and important work is for someone’s self worth. I’m not confident she felt she had the same control in her own home, raising her children, and being married to my Dad. I, too, feel like I am able to control most things work related and on the homefront too. However, Cole’s complexities have challenged me and taught me that there are some major things in life that you cannot control and when you’re a Mother and it’s your child’s livelihood, this has been a tough pill to swallow. We will now anxiously await for her biopsy results with every finger and toe crossed that the two suspicious spots come back benign.