It’s kind of incredible to me that it has taken me all of these years to realize that women are treated so differently than men. It absolutely isn’t something new, it’s simply something I’ve chosen to recognize now for myself. I remember being eight years old and loving the game of soccer. I was the ONLY eight year old girl in the neighborhood that played all types of sports with all the boys in the neighborhood. Basketball, street hockey with paint cans and rollerblades, football, tetherball, and soccer. It wasn’t like these boys entertained me by being nice and allowing me to play. It was much more like I was significantly better than any of them and I orchestrated most of these events. I remember begging my parents to let me play for The Bloomingdale Bees team. My parents, consistently short on money and living paycheck to paycheck agreed to allow me this opportunity. I am not even remotely embarrassed of where I came from because I had the privilege of having two parents that deeply loved me, took care of me to the best of their ability, and have always been my biggest fan with each and every milestone I’ve accomplished. So here we are in this soccer field and I am, as always, the only girl on the field. I vividly recall the coach walking up to my Dad and having a conversation with him. In the car, on the drive home, my Dad brought up the fact that the coach didn’t want me to play with his team and perhaps there was a girls sport or team I could sign up for. I remember feeling devastated and crying because all I wanted was to play a sport that I absolutely loved playing. This is where my parents were very instrumental in my childhood and who I am today. Although being the youngest and only child out of five graduating college, they sometimes joke they don’t know where I came from. My parents insisted that I do what I feel is right and encouraged me and so I joined The Bloomingdale Bees. This part is probably totally unnecessary, but I still have the shirt and I can still make it fit today! We would have practice and games every week and little by little the coach gave me more and more playing time. By the end of the season, I was playing every minute of every game, the lead scorer, and the coach begged my parents to have me on his team for the next season. I think about that experience and although it ended on a positive note. No individual should have to feel inadequate, no individual should have to feel unwanted, and no individual should ever feel ashamed simply because of their gender.
I can’t even count how many times a male would see me throw a football, act totally surprised, and say WOW… You don’t throw like a girl! It’s funny because all these years none of this really phased me, or so I thought none of this really phased me. However, the more awareness I have with this type of treatment towards girls and women the more I realize this could impact someone significantly with their confidence, their motivation, and ultimately their dreams. If nothing else, I want every girl to know she can do whatever she puts her mind to! It doesn’t matter if it’s being a mathematician, a professional football player, or an astronaut. The sky is the limit and we shouldn’t lower the sky because it wasn’t meant to be lowered. I find myself wondering how many women would have done something different in their lives if they weren’t held back by others. I bet the percentage would be earthshattering and astonishing to see. We definitely can’t go back in time, but what we can do is change what we do, how we do it, and how we support other women moving forward. You see I truly believe that it’s not just men that deter women from doing what they would and could do. I believe it’s other women and mostly because women don’t support women the way they could and should. It could absolutely be the psychology background in me, but I firmly believe that competition amongst women is not biologically driven but social mechanisms that surround us. I have so many examples working for a fortune 50 company for the last twenty-three years.
I remember still being in High School and learning from a fellow classmate that there was a job opening loading trucks. I wanted a car, I wanted my own money, and therefore I wanted a job. I applied for this particular position and to this day I remember this like it happened yesterday. The Human Resource manager interviewing me said, “I don’t think you really understand what loading trucks means, do you know how to type on computers?” Now anyone who has loaded a truck knows this is no easy task. However, anyone who has met me and seen my competitiveness, drive, and stamina also knows I did and still could run circles around most of my male counterparts with loading a truck. It’s funny, I got the job auditing packages on a computer and every chance I got which was daily I would make my way to a truck and load… Faster and more efficiently than my male counterparts. Now we could definitely say ok, well that was twenty-three years ago and things are much different. I want to share a story that is less than five years old. I was promoted to a manager, leading a team of sales people. It’s funny because my Director was a female and so you would think this is perfect because females are going to support females, right? WRONG!! We don’t do that, although we need to do that, and if I have one life goal… It’s to help women support other women. So I have my first real meeting with my Director, sales training manager, and my brand new team of sales people. Back then (I know only five years ago) we would have these dog and pony shows where we had these drill sessions to find out how much the sales person really knows, kind of like “I got you” sessions. I am and have always been much different. I wouldn’t call it insubordination, but if it doesn’t look right, smell right, or seem right, I won’t do it. It doesn’t matter what title you have, I need to be able to sleep at night so making someone feel very small and showing them who is boss, is not in my DNA. Anyway, so we have this meeting and afterwards the way I was treated by my brand new female director was appalling. First off, I was looking for feedback and she purposely avoided me. I insisted on feedback and so I showed up in her office. I’ll never forget that day and I am a better leader because of it since it showed how to never treat someone else. This female belittled me, degraded me, chastised me and unjustly accused me of making some horrific mistakes. I’ll never forget what she said to me, now keep in mind I was a top performer, recently promoted and had been a top performer in every job I had previously had at this company. She said as a sales person you’re way up here as she extended her hand way over her head. As a manager you’re way down here and she put her hand below her knees. I remember leaving her office feeling defeated, feeling horrible, and feeling like quitting the company I had spent eighteen years at, grown passionate about, and always one of the top performers. However, that’s not what I did. I actually reflected on what happened, how it happened, and saw it from a totally different perspective. I reached out to my team, that was the most important to me, and received feedback from them. Each and everyone of them respected me, appreciated me, and that’s what motivated me to keep going. You see, the more I thought about this female Director, I more I realized she had known me (literally) for less than three weeks. There is no way for her to have known what I was like as a sales person because she wasn’t around and there was no way for her in one meeting to have such strong opinions on my lack of management skills. Therefore, I chalked it up to her feeling threatened by me and being part of the problem with women not supporting women. I share this story not because I’m looking for sympathy because that’s unnecessary, it made me who I am today and taught me how to never treat another human. However, I think about my audience and perhaps others can relate to this story. Perhaps others have made big life decisions based on being treated poorly and unjustly. Perhaps others can be better prepared for not if, but when someone treats them like this. Don’t give up and especially don’t let another women or anyone for that matter make you feel inadequate.
When I think about your average woman and what she has to do it’s incredible. Especially today, here’s what my days look like and I know there are many women who have just as much and even significantly more. I have a demanding job where I have an opportunity to lead, develop, and coach a stellar group of sales people and effect their lives positively both personally and professionally. I am in the final weeks of earning my MBA. I am working from home and helping two small children; 8 year old and 6 year old with E-learning Monday through Friday. I can’t help, but vacuum every day and clean because that is what keeps me sane and that’s how I enjoy our home. I am also a fulltime nurse to my medically fragile son, which means 24/7 and limited sleep. I mentor Moms of Trach babies, teach ASL to parents of deaf children, and I also make time to blog, in an effort to positively impact others. So the next time you see another women and you think wow she’s so unorganized, she’s an emotional wreck, or her children are so misbehaved. I want you to immediately stop yourself in your tracks! You see, it’s impossible for anyone to truly know what you’re going through and you don’t truly know or understand what someone else is going through. This is where support is needed. Perhaps, if everyday we made a conscious effort to show another woman support, kindness, and lift her spirits up little by little we could be the change we want to see. I realize none of what I am describing is easy because we are so used to judging others and it’s easier and feels more natural because we’ve been doing it for so long. Here are some ways I plan on doing this and I challenge each and everyone of you to do something similar. Each and everyday I plan to compliment at least one female on the way she looks, her accomplishment at work, her Mothering abilities, her juggling abilities, and anything else I can think of. I plan on writing these down for 30 days straight. I believe that after 30 days of consciously and consistently doing something, it becomes a habit. Now for the million dollar question, who is willing to step up to the plate and do this with me?