To My Precious Boy: A Mother’s Love Letter on Your 10th Birthday Without You

Cole,                                                                Today May 30, 2024 would have been your tenth birthday, double digits! As I reflect on the last two birthdays without you, I can honestly say that people have been wrong the last year. Time does not heal. There is an emptiness inside of me that will never be filled and although I laugh and smile and those emotions are real, they are not nearly as prevalent as they once were. It’s been exactly one year and 20 days since you unexpectedly passed away and our family is every bit as shattered as the day we found out. The emotions that have overcome us during this last year are unreal, unexplainable, and unimaginable.

I wish I knew what you wanted for your tenth birthday. I wish I knew what your new favorite toy was this year. I wish I knew what your new favorite book was and most of all I simply wish you were here. Losing you is by far the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my entire life and I can honestly say, I was not at all prepared. It’s been over a year and I’m still not prepared nor do I think I will truly ever be prepared to continue this life without you. Your smile, your dimples, your affectionate personality, your humor, your perspective, and your overall presence is what our family will miss forever.

I see it in your Daddy’s face everyday, he’s simply not the same person and he’s hurting so bad inside. Your sister doesn’t smile like she used to. Lexi’s last day of school was today and we were supposed to attend her commencement. However, yesterday evening she broke down and said, “Mom I don’t want to go when it’s Cole’s birthday.” She said, “I may seem fine, but I’m not. He was my brother, I used to see him and play with him everyday. I try to be strong for you and Dad, but I’m not ok and I miss him so much.” I gave her a huge hug and we talked about how important she was to you and how lucky and far you had come along with her encouragement, support, and example. It’s true the bond you and she had was unbreakable and you two were so incredibly close. She will never be the same and there’s nothing I can do to repair her or Daddy and it breaks my heart, what’s left of it, into tiny pieces. I also explained that she never has to be strong for us. I told her I will forever be sad, cry uncontrollably, miss you tremendously and I’m not sorry. I’m reminded with every tear and every sad second just how much I love you and miss you.

Today we focused on YOU! We woke up and made your favorite pancakes using the bear and dinosaur molds. Lexi and I talked about you during breakfast and how you loved to cook and bake. We then got sun balloons and helium so we could write you letters, attach it to the balloons, and release them this evening. I know they don’t float to you and I know you will never read them, but to some extent I think it’s therapeutic for us and we did it last year. We then headed to downtown Geneva to go to The James Restaurant. No accident there, your middle name is James and I insisted on that restaurant. I’ll never forget when you were really young and we were practicing writing your name. I wrote Cole James Kubista and you crossed out James. You totally knew your name was Cole Kubista, but hadn’t yet grasped the middle name yet and thought I had made a mistake. As we walked around Geneva, we couldn’t help, but notice your favorite color everywhere. Orange chairs, orange flowers, orange cars, orange clothes, orange everywhere. After lunch we went to get the checks for The Cole Kubista Foundation. We, officially, got our 501c3 for the foundation! This is exciting because this is the one thing we can do for you forever to honor you, remember you, and continue the profound impact you had on people. We then went to a new horseback riding place to see if Lexi liked it and wanted to begin lessons. She no longer wants to go to the other place and is ready to try a new place. There were dogs on the farm and you would have loved to see them and all the horses. After all of this, we went home and I finished up some work while Dad and Lexi relaxed.

I’ve written to you every day for the last 385 days and I don’t know if I will ever stop. In some ways, it’s my only way of having a conversation with you each and everyday, even if it is only one-sided. It’s important that you know that in your short eight, almost nine years, of life you taught me more than I’ve ever learned in my entire life. I know it seemed like you needed me because you were a child and I was your Mother, but truthfully I needed and need you more than you ever needed me. I’m a better daughter because of you, I’m a better wife because of you. I’m a better Mother because of you. I’m a better friend because of you. I’m a better sister because of you. I’m an overall better person because of you. I will forever feel cheated that I only had you for eight years. I will forever feel robbed that I won’t get to watch you grow into a man and have a family of your own. I will forever feel saddened that everyone around me gets their children. I will also make a conscious effort to forever remember that the almost nine years I did have you were truly a gift. I will remain forever grateful for that time with you and what you taught me. Happy 10th birthday sweet boy and Mommy loves you forever and always!