Losing a child is perhaps one of the most unimaginable and devastating experiences a parent can endure. The pain of such a loss is incomparable, incomprehensible and navigating how to support someone going through this grief can feel daunting. While offering comfort is crucial, it’s equally important to be mindful of the words we choose. When speaking to a grieving mother who has unexpectedly lost her child, certain phrases, no matter how well-intentioned, can inadvertently cause more harm than good. I, cautiously, write this while I understand when faced with the unexpected loss of a loved one, words often fail us. We find ourselves grappling with the inadequacy of language, searching for relief in the midst of profound grief. I continue to remind myself that there are no scripts for such profound loss, no syllabus to follow in navigating the depths of another’s sorrow. The simple fact is that unless you, yourself, have lost a child the idea of finding relatability is an impossible task. I happen to fall into the category of grieving Mother who searches for the right words to help my husband, grieving Father and my daughter, grieving sister. What may be comforting to one person might feel inadequate or even intrusive to another. It requires sensitivity, empathy, and sometimes simply being present without words. I wish I could confidently confirm that I’ve learned what to say and not say to both my husband and daughter, but I haven’t and I don’t know if I ever will be able to say anything to ease the pain. Nonetheless, I have learned over the last almost two years what not to say to a grieving Mother who has lost her child.
- “I know how you feel”: While you may have experienced loss yourself, each person’s grief journey is unique. Comparing their pain to your own can minimize or invalidate their emotions. Instead, acknowledge the depth of their suffering and offer your support without drawing parallels to your own experiences. However, it’s somehow different coming from a Mother who has lost her child. Someone who also joined a group they never signed up for… Grieving Mother.
- “He’s in a better place now”: While this sentiment may come from a place of religious or spiritual belief, it can feel dismissive to a grieving parent who longs to have their child with them. Avoid making assumptions about the afterlife or implying that their child’s passing was somehow for the best. This one truly is a knife in my chest everytime someone says it. I knew Cole better than anyone else and there is not a chance he could be in a better place than right here in his home with his Mommy, Daddy, and sister. At the same time, I truly recognize that some people might want to hear this and this belief may be what gets them through the day. So it’s important to know your audience.
- “You should be grateful for the time you had”: Suggesting gratitude in the midst of profound grief can feel insensitive. While cherishing memories is important, it’s essential to acknowledge that the pain of loss may overshadow any sense of gratitude at the moment. I really struggled with this one because my baby boy was only 8 years old and although I’m incredibly grateful for each and everyone of those 3,267 days I had with him, they certainly weren’t enough.
- “It’s time to move on”: Grief doesn’t adhere to a timeline, and healing is a deeply personal process that cannot be rushed. Encouraging someone to “move on” may unintentionally pressure them to suppress their emotions or rush through their grieving process. The truth is as long as you love that person and miss that person, you will grieve. It’s unpredictable and one second a memory can make you smile and the immediate next memory can bring tears of sadness to your eyes.
- “At least you have other children”: While it’s true that other children can provide comfort and support, they can never replace the child who has been lost. Each child holds a unique place in a parent’s heart, and the presence of other children does not diminish the pain of losing one.
- “You’ll get over it eventually”: Grief isn’t something you “get over”; it’s something you learn to live with over time. Simply be there for her whenever she needs support, without placing unrealistic expectations on her healing journey.
- “Everything happens for a reason”: While this phrase may be intended to offer a sense of comfort or meaning, it can feel dismissive to someone grappling with the senseless loss of a child. To this day, I am unable to see why this would happen and there’s no rational, logical reasoning or explanation. Instead, focus on offering your presence, listening ear, and unconditional support.
- Silence: Sometimes, in our efforts to say the “right” thing, we may unintentionally remain silent out of fear of saying the wrong thing. However, silence can be deafening to someone who is grieving. Simply expressing your condolences and offering your presence can provide immeasurable comfort. This one is difficult and I truly understand why so many people are silent with me. Everytime someone brings up Cole I could begin to lose control over my emotions and unable to avoid the tears. Their words don’t make me cry; the ache in my heart is ever-present. While the tears may flow, speaking of Cole brings me closer to his memory, offering a bittersweet relief because people remember him amidst the pain and the reality he is gone forever.
In moments of profound loss and grief, words carry immense weight. While it’s natural to feel unsure of what to say, offering empathy, compassion, and a listening ear can provide invaluable support to a grieving mother who has lost her child. It’s not about finding the perfect words; it’s about being present, acknowledging her pain, and offering support in her darkest moments.
In the wake of a devastating loss, such as the unexpected passing of a child, finding the right words to offer comfort to a grieving mother can feel like an overwhelming task. While there are no perfect words to ease the pain of such a profound loss, there are ways to express support and empathy that can provide acknowledgement that people remember the lost child and care during this incredibly difficult time. Here are some things that are appropriate to say when supporting a grieving mother:
- “I am so sorry for your loss”: Offering a simple yet heartfelt expression of sympathy communicates that you acknowledge the depth of her pain and are there to support her. My daughter hates this one and it’s because her grief has consisted of trying to pretend that Cole is still here. She had a dream over a year ago that she was unbelievably sad and crying about Cole being gone and I said, “sweetheart he’s only in the hospital”, and I took her and she saw him. From then on, she’s kept that her reality while she goes through her own grieving process. This is slowly changing and the reality is there are days, we call them Cole days, where it’s incredibly difficult to get through school or other activities without her baby brother heavy on her mind.
- “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you”: Recognizing the incomprehensible nature of her grief while assuring her of your consistent support can provide comfort and validation. It’s OK not to be relatable, we understand that one one can truly comprehend the loss of a child because we never could have either until it happened.
- “I’m here to listen whenever you need to talk”: Letting her know that you’re available to lend a listening ear without judgment can offer her a safe space to express her emotions.
- “I remember Cole as such a jokester always making people laugh and the incredible bond he had with his sister”: Sharing fond memories or stories about her child can validate his presence in her life and provide a sense of comfort amidst the pain of loss. I love the “I remember when Cole did…” Those stories as small as they may seem to the person telling them, are truly the only things I have left. Tell them, share them, write them down. It’s so important and I wish and long for every memory of every second he was here to be shared with me.
- “Take all the time you need to grieve”: Giving her permission to prioritize her own healing process and acknowledging that grief takes time can alleviate pressure and expectations. You don’t necessary have to be relatable to understand that losing a child is the hardest thing any Mother could endure. Simply validate her feelings, let her know it’s OK to not be OK.
- “Would you like some company, or would you prefer some time alone?”: Offering her the autonomy to choose whether she wants company or solitude demonstrates respect for her needs and preferences. I’ve been extremely fortunate and we’ve been continually surrounded by incredible family and friends. Cole loved everyone and kept our family connected via video calls and making plans for people to come to Cole’s house all the time!
- “I’m thinking of you and your family”: Expressing ongoing support and solidarity communicates that you’re there for her beyond the initial shock and can provide reassurance during the long journey of grieving. After the initial loss there are people that come out of the word works to be there for you, console you, but then something happens, That something is… life goes on. The tough part is for this grieving family life doesn’t just go on. Life is forever altered in a mannerism that is incomprehensible and impossible to understand. Always remember, whether it’s been a day, a month, a year, or thirty years, once a grieving Mother always a grieving Mother.
- “I brought over some meals to help lighten your load”: Offering practical support, such as preparing meals or running errands, can alleviate some of the burdens she may be facing during this challenging time.
- “What do you need right now?”: Checking in regularly and asking open-ended questions can show that you genuinely care about her well-being and are willing to support her in whatever way she needs.
- “I love you”: Expressing love and compassion can provide a sense of warmth and reassurance amidst the darkness of grief.
In times of profound loss, compassionate communication can be a lifeline for a grieving mother. By no means does it erase the empty, shattered void left behind… Nothing ever could. The loss is constant, an ever-present ache that ebbs and flows. Some days, hearing his name brings a smile, a cherished memory that warms my heart. Other days, it shatters me all over again, a reminder of all that was and all that will never be. But the silence is far worse. Speak his name, share the stories, and let his memory live on because though he is gone, he is still so deeply loved. By offering empathy, support, and practical assistance, you can help her navigate the turbulent waters of grief and allow her to see she’s not alone. Let your words and actions be a source of comfort and light as she journeys through this unimaginable loss.